Saturday, August 15, 2009

Getting laid

Some people will get laid.

You will not.

Also, it's impossible to feel anything but numb. Just impossible.

The cubs winning the world series

Will not happen.

I know you're thinking, "The redsox won! We have to sometime soon!"


The cubs are so cursed that even their greatest fans destroy their chances. You probably would have won had it not been for this:

They'll win again sometime. But probably never in your lifetime.

Also, reclaiming your innocence and youth. That's also impossible.

Walking on the moon

This is entirely out of your hands.

One man cannot make a moon landing a success.

It requires a team.

People have walked on the moon before, sure, and it's made a lot of children want to follow in the footsteps of these brave heroic men but it's just not going to happen for you. Going to the moon just isn't interesting for government agencies anymore, and it's very very costly, and that money has to be spent on other things that are more relevant than your pithy dream of walking on a floating rock.

You better get over it now.

Also, making your parents understand. That is impossible.

Riding a unicorn

You will never be able to ride a unicorn.


It is impossible.

Unicorns are fictitious beasts that exist only in the minds of fantasy writers and losers. I know a lot of little girls and boys have dreams that riding a unicorn will be the most magical thing in the world. And they're right. But it's also completely fictional. Magic is fiction. Deal with it.

You can never ride a unicorn.

Also, balancing your life so you're not overworked and unloved is impossible. Deal with it.